A Bigger Piece Of Peace Of Mind

 Having more peace of mind now than I have had in years started with therapy. It started with venting in this blog (back when I wrote everyday, not once every few months). It started with discovering a community that I related too as they did to me. That’s how it started.
And by no means is it even close to being the kind of inner peace I am working towards. But it’s much stronger than at any point during the entirety of the 2010 decade. There are bigger reasons why this is so.

1. I have more of that inner validation that speaks louder than what I get from others. The inner validation I would NOT have received though had people not given it to me first. Especially from my therapist and the mental health community. But in the end (or at least at this point in time), it was me.
 

2. I am no longer surrounded by toxic people on an everyday basis. When you take a toxic environment for granted most of your life, it shapes how you see the world at large and its values. Many of the behaviors and beliefs I took for granted I assumed were okay and because I wasn’t like that, I had to adapt to “fit in” to a world I never wanted to be a part of but had no other choice. It’s evident that various things I suspected were wrong back then is being seen as such from a lot more people at large witnessing today and/or living with similar circumstances. Whether it be toxic “friends”, a toxic job, a toxic (or worse) school, and other surroundings that give one a negative perception of one’s self. Ironically I was being told by the same people who make me feel bad about myself that I should stop being so hard on myself and see myself how others see me. Well…that kinda is what I am (was) doing??…But I digress. Those days are long gone now.
 

3. I do the work that works for me. Not work for the sake of working because of capitalism and a paycheck. Do I sound like a pampered, spoiled, soft snowflake who is blind to reality? Possibly. Is that truly the case? Nope. Far from it. In fact it’s probably even further away from that than those who make these types of claims/insults.
 

4. I do not question myself on the same level I used to when people are being mean spirited or ignorant towards me. For instance, a few weeks ago, I was talking a long walk back to my house from the supermarket. I was holding an energy drink I have very often. Someone called the cops on me assuming (or pretending most likely) that it was an open container of alcohol. Because I look unusual and walk a lot, someone nearby decided to do this for fun and to be a complete dick. Did it piss me off at the time? Of course. Do I take it out on who I am like it is my fault I am not “normal”? Hell no. I would have non-stop when similar stuff was happening to me in the past 20 years (yes, that long) and tried to change. Not anymore. And unlike then, my family, friends and of course my therapist support my grounded stance on not changing a thing out of fear. Though I must make it clear that having white privilege and living in a quaint area of a blue state helped with this a lot too, or I would have been arrested and probably beat up (or worse) the minute the cop spotted me walking up the street. Now THAT should piss anyone with a single braincell off to no end. But once again, I digress.

Those are only four reasons out of many more but they are huge ones but I still have a long way to go before I feel real peace of mind. And we all know the repeated saying that life is a journey, not a destination, and all that jazz. But my inner goal is not to be at a stone cold finish line. It is however to feel a similar level of enthusiasm and optimism as I did before my adolescence when everything went to hell. I continue to see my very young age of nine as the happiest time of my life. That doesn’t mean it always will be or that I’m too old to have another year or more like that, mentally speaking.

Oh yeah, and speaking of my adolescence…
(no I thankfully wasn’t abused on THIS level, but being a Massachusetts native, it could have reached that level)
… #STOPTHESHOCK !!!

Thanks.

More Thoughts On Current Online Culture

 Just as 2021 began, I have noticed (on my end anyway) an alarming surge of problems circulating on social media and media in general. Ones that were always there but amplified after President Biden’s victory. And of course you have the January 6th insurrection, a domestic sequel to 9/11.
But that’s just here in America. I am speaking about other things too. Yes, mental health advocacy on twitter is definitely something I spoke about in this blog before last year as becoming dividing and less supportive than it used to be. With COVID and lockdowns bringing out the true colors of people we thought we knew better. Recently there has been beyond outrageous news about the slime-challenge charity cause led by so-called advocate Messy4Mind being a fraud who uses this tactic to prey on women who either have and/or care about mental health issues and the slime challenges are actually for a self satisfying slime-fetish (didn’t know that was even a thing until recently) personal agenda.
Now disgusting shit like that is Absolutely unacceptable and has me and others very worried about how many people on this platform (those who we are not as close to specifically) are really who they say they are.
But besides very extreme cases of things that really do need to be exposed as horrific as they are, there are other things that are escalating on all platforms it seems more than ever.

“Cancel Culture” (quotes are intentional)
VS
Political Incorrectness/“Freedom Of Speech”

“Not All Men” being the new “All Lives Matter” but targeted at women

Black Women VS Other Black Women
(ie Candace Owens vs Cardi B as well as YouTube personalities like Gothix overall attacking the factual idea that white supremacy exists but doing so by sounding on surface level far more level headed and articulate than most people on the “far left”, plus she misuses the term “critical thinking” A LOT)

The Royal Family/Piers Morgan

“Clout Chasing”/“Seeking Attention”

Tom MacDonald and his songs like “Fake Woke”, “No Lives Matter”, “Clown World” etc

Millennials VS Gen Z

And the list goes on and on…

Naturally, I disagree with all of the arguments coming from right-wing extremists. But I also disagree with some of the over-the-top attempts to cancel certain things. And the labels put on people if you are or not against one small thing like the rest of us.
Maybe it’s the Millennial in me. That I was born in 1988, not 1998. I don’t know. But ever since the lockdown became the new normal and has escalated because of certain people rebelling against safety regulations, online activity has skyrocketed from what I see, and with that comes more and more ways to, yes I am gonna say this, “seek attention”.
Kids attempting to “cancel” Eminem or feminists just days after DMX’s (R.I.P.) death trying to “cancel” him over lyrics from 20 plus years ago is a losing battle. One rapper is dead. (The XXXTentacion situation is very different as that was more than just lyrics). And the other rapper has been attempted to be cancelled by these kids’ grandparents for years ever since he became famous.
If you’re really outraged (as we goddamn well should be) about all of the ugly things going on in the world, go after the actual people involved, not an ultra-famous person because you heard one out-of-context lyric from “Love The Way You Lie”.
Doing this makes you no better than Candace Owens trying to cancel Cardi B, Lil Nas X etc for their provocative (relatively speaking) performances.
The same goes for those in the mental health community attacking each other because one person isn’t realistic enough with their positive outlook on getting help and/or comes across like they only care about anxiety and depression, and serious illnesses in themselves are pushed to the side. That’s your opinion. You have no proof this is how they really feel. But united we stand, divided we fall.
And to be clear, I am not saying both ends of the political spectrum are correct. One represents decency and the other destruction. THAT’S A FACT. Not something “built on emotions”, not that there’s anything wrong with that anyway. It’s more about how we’re feeding the trolls and giving the powers that be what they want. Take that however you want.
Rant over.

The Breakthrough

Gonna give this a shot and see how far I can go in writing a new post without getting stuck in writer’s block.

This has been quite a ride for the past few months. And I mean that in the best way possible. My therapist, as past readers of this blog may remember, was someone I really valued and gave me the support I needed but never really had before in my life. Starting from our first session in December of 2018 up until early December of 2020, our sessions were very frequent. Like once every week for most of those two years.

Last fall, she told me some news that while it was hard to hear then, could have been much harder to hear a year earlier. She was pregnant and sometime in the next couple of months we would have to have our last session for a while as she will be on maternity leave for a few months after that. A lot of emotions were going through my head after I congratulated her and ended that particular session with us planning to look into temporary therapists who I can set up appointments with just while she’s away. Obviously choosing wisely based on their online descriptions and personality in their bio and/or video bio.

But here’s the thing. As the week went on before the next session, while I did find a list of people on a popular psychology site that appeared from an outside point of view to be a good fit for me, I never was really comfortable with doing something like this while she was away. This isn’t just because I felt it is more of a gamble given how the majority of mental health professionals I don’t trust and didn’t want to end up being hurt again in that way (although I did tell her that was the main reason when December got closer). The real reason is that this would be someone I would only be seeing for a few months (ideally) and if there isn’t any trusting relationship between the two of us, or they are only going by a ton of notes and records for basic info on me and my needs before our first session, it isn’t worth the hassle for them. Good fit or not.

The other part is by the time the fall of 2020 came around, I wasn’t really that person anymore who was on the same high level of vulnerability two years earlier. Things stressing me out had more to do with worldly anxieties that I shared with everyone else, specifically the upcoming presidential election as it was a do or die moment in history. Obviously we all know today how it turned out and closed what was a universally horrible year (and four years overall) on an extremely uplifting and positive note. But as for myself and my own struggles that we continued to discuss up to that point, I had become far less dependent on needing to see her every week. Though just to be safe at that time I kept things the way they were.

We finally agreed after I explained everything to her about how I am in a somewhat better place mentally, at least compared to two years ago, that I am willing to go cold turkey up until her return. As of now while I am typing this it is close to mid-March and it’s predicted she will be back sometime in April. Since our last session in early December of 2020, this challenge has ended up for the most part been successful. There are still occasional discouraging points where I keep feeling I need that constant reassurance that I matter, or the occasional, trending news story I can partially identify with triggering the hell out of me. But it hasn’t happened much and there have been several instances where that could have happened but didn’t.

So having said all that, 2021 and this new decade is moving forward a little bit better than I thought it would. Though I do also have to give credit to the two biggest life breakthroughs back in 2019. My social security income and disability benefits being approved to start coming in, and me moving to a rural town later that summer. The latter especially. If I was still living in a semi-urban environment today and when COVID first hit, I would probably still be alive today but would not have been as content with myself today and most likely would have felt even worse by this point.

Time 4 Sum More Tweets

 

1. Giving myself validation for how I felt last night isn’t enough.
   So after my therapy session tomorrow afternoon that will be enough to switch the universe back to being on my side again bc rn I feel like the universe is on Pre-2018 aka Against-Me Mode again.

2. It’s not all in ur head
   It’s not just negative thoughts about urself
   It’s not ur mind being ur worst enemy or playing tricks on u
   It’s the ppl who put those thoughts in ur head from the start
   This whole “challenging negative thoughts” is victim blaming.
   FACT

3. “I’m concerned for Sam. He’s been happier in the past couple years and it isn’t for conventional reasons. We must make him depressed again and force him to ‘build character’ for the almighty higher power called Society” – Non-profit anti-ableists with ablelist, corporate values

4. What I keep hearing: “I did a great job”
   What I Truly Feel And Believe Rn: “I did a really shitty job”

5. Dear Sam,
   Practice what u preach and stop feeling like u have to comply to supporting victim-blaming “advice” if u get the vibe right away that that’s what it is.
   Love, Sam

6. I often wonder why my therapist hasn’t been fired. You know. Because she’s really good. Not just “a good fit for me”. But good. PERIOD. The Powers That Be ain’t havin that, one would think?

7. Me : “Politics are unavoidable for good reason but they cause too much #anxiety and do damage to my #mentalhealth

Also Me : [Goes obsessively on my timeline and replies/RTs more to Anti-Trump threads than anything else on there]

8. Average American any year before the mid 2010s: “God hates f**s”

Those same exact ppl from the mid 2010s and forward: “I hate hate-speech and bigotry”

9. Society post-2016 (no this isn’t Trump related) :

“Oh thank God. Coast is clear. Sam has escaped into solidarity. Now we can start actively caring about #mentalhealth out of convenience even though we hypocritically invalidated Sam’s #mentalhealth up until now”

10. To all my like-minded ppls who don’t exist and don’t plan on “having a job” anytime soon, throw ur motherfuckin hands in tha air

11. Arrggghh…..I understand what u mean but ppl really need to stop saying “MAGA is a mental illness” and instead say something like “MAGA is pure evil” but in a more clever way.

12. Woke up from a dream a couple hours ago that I was working at a job I don’t have irl where a ton of friends I don’t have irl are my co-workers and they approached me wanting to celebrate my bday that evening. Didn’t even realize it was my bday til checking the date on my phone.

13. My #anxiety level will be at a record-setting high on November 3rd. Just a warning to all non-U.S. followers I interact with (which is most of u anyway lol)

14. Once upon a time, stuff happened.

What Will It Take To Be Happy Again?

 Disclaimer:

I don’t write positive posts if that’s not how I’m feeling. If you believe I do nothing on here but “whine about things [I] could probably fix if [I] wasn’t so focused on getting attention” than look elsewhere for a blog where you don’t perceive the writer doing that. Thanks.

Anyway here we go. I have to get this out. Now that I’m starting to write, just like my last post a month and a half ago, I am already forgetting what I want to get out so bare with me. This will be another poem, kinda, sorta.

I’m tired of 2020

I’m tired of the drama.

I’m tired of the emptiness.

I’m tired of not having the same spark from last year and especially the year before.

I’m tired of feeling like I am not allowed to complain about anything because this year is a billion times more shit than it is for me.

I am tired of being proven right all along by my therapist about being done wrong for so many years. I would rather not carry the baggage of years of thinking it was me which I’m still used to thinking.

I am tired of being paranoid and having trust issues.

I am tired of being reminded our country is being threatened to officially become the next Nazi Germany if Trump gets re-elected.

I am tired of COVID-19 deniers.

I am tired of racism deniers and racists in general.

I am tired of 2020 showing all of the real colors of people and how they REALLY feel about certain issues where I want nothing to do with them anymore.

I am tired of Twitter selling out and slowly turning into Facebook 2.0.

I am tired of mentally thinking I’m still living in the previous decade up until 2018.

I am tired of being taken back even further in time when evil child molester supporters in the #StandWithSophie case say shit to the girl like “Adults know what’s best”, “You don’t have a choice”, “If you really felt bad about yourself you wouldn’t have gotten the lead in the school play…” and other manipulative phrases that sound way too familiar.

I am tired of having a lack of excitement for major accomplishments I have.

I am tired of forgetting what to write despite that I was thinking about the subject non-stop until I opened up WordPress and then the thought disappeared.

I am tired of still not being confident in myself.

I am tired of believing there are double standards set against me in various aspects of life and society.

I am tired of writers block.

I am tired of not feeling heard even though I finally am actually being heard.

I am tired of feeling threatened by people talking about positivity during the most negative year yet worldwide.

To make a long story short, I am tired of being tired. But when putting everything in a logical perspective, things are a lot better (for me) than they were a few years ago and then some. It’s just a matter of recognizing this. But one of these days, it will be easier to do so. Mentally I am in a better place by comparison to before. Even if I am tired of a handful of things. But seriously. If you aren’t feeling similar and not being affected in one way or another this year, I don’t believe you.

My "Confused", Individual Take On Division

This is an idea for a post that just came up from my nightly ritual of reading a book on my Kindle app. In the past week it has been Jeff Chang’s “Can’t Stop Won’t Stop: A History Of The Hip-Hop Generation”. Long story short, the biographical book mixes in general hip hop history with Black American history and the differences in values and social goals (from a progressive standpoint) in generations before the culture’s inception in the mainstream media and since up to the time the book was published.

But this isn’t a review on the book. It has however sparked a lot of my overly active state of mind (I’m #ActuallyAutistic after all, and doesn’t the stereotype say we all “overthink”?). The pandemic and the present Lockdown Generation (where before that referenced the nationwide safety protocol from school shootings, it is now a “new normal” safety protocol from a virus) has made a LOT of people overthink. Some in really good ways. Over here America is waking up more than it was in the previous three years where taking action, even in a covid crisis, is a mandatory daily task, not just for a brief period while the issue is on TV.

However, what has gotten worse and worse this year is the never-ending problem of division. It’s been a problem for a long time but I would be jinxing it if I said right now it has reached it’s peak. When you are in the house day in and day out, glued to your phone, most likely you are using some form of social media. It doesn’t just end with the Twitters, Facebooks, Instas etc. but also YouTube and the most frequent, links to articles on ur browser with the all too familiar click-bait fueled header. I have been guilty of falling victim many times just in the past month of getting all too many mixed, and occasionally triggering messages from stories based on my search history from A Caring Father Puts A Recording Device In His Daughter’s Hair Before She Goes To School Catching Her Verbally Abusive Teacher In The Act, all the way to profound statements about how capitalism and the “American Dream” is responsible for many of the problems the world faces today (to word it very general). I couldn’t identify with these views any more than I do. And I truly believe anyone who doesn’t is a cold-hearted part of the said problem.

But the fact I believe that is also a problem. You know what else is a problem? Feeling like you’re not allowed to think for yourself when it comes to views on the world. Everything I see and hear is “You’re not allowed to criticize the messages the media feeds people because Trump calls it Fake News and The Enemy Of The People, so you are basically agreeing with him automatically” along with “If you have a mental illness, you need to take your meds and stay out of politics because you’re crazy. Want proof? Look at Trump and Kanye.”

Bottom line, I view the public (and how they present themselves online or even in person) as having the same “black and white” point of view I have been criticized for naturally having (supposedly) since I was born. And why can’t one argue with that logic? Because it’s life or death. It’s “We continue to live and democracy perseveres by electing Biden or we all die unanimously by voting for Trump/someone more to the left than Biden/not voting at all. One or the other. No compromises.”

Shortly before 2018 and my own mental awakening which led to the birth of this blog in the first place, I was very depressed, isolated and was borderline misanthropic. This is only three years ago. At the height of all of this, many things I observed in American culture at the time was what many would consider those of a conspiracy theorist. But this mainly was around pop culture and not politics, even though Trump had just been elected. If someone was popular at the time, they were victims of the Illuminati. And because many talented rappers in the 90s aka the “golden era” talked about the “New World Order” taking form after the year 2000, that they must be right. Why? Because I don’t have any optimism or excitement for anything and have been losing that since becoming a pre-teen (when the 21st century first set off). I’m disconnected. And everybody else is connected to the present. So that must mean I’m the “last of a dying breed” who is real and everyone else is a robot who says “LOL” out loud instead of laughing, or smiles to be accepted in society, not because they’re happy. While authenticity was once celebrated in American culture when I was a kid, now it’s frowned upon. At least that’s how I saw things at that time.

As you can probably see, while writing all of this, it appears I lost all focus on what this post was supposed to be about. But I really don’t care. The disorganized, inconsistent  content of this post is not rambling as it’s me telling little bits of truth on where my mind goes and how quick and active it can get. If you take away anything from this very small scrapbook of my thoughts, that’s what it should be. Even if it none of it makes any sense except to myself.

Yeah. I BEEN Saying What’s In This Link In My Own Way For Quite Some Time…

This article/thread is EXACTLY what I keep saying.

My therapist gets it.

NOBODY ELSE GETS IT.

 

Why?

 

BECAUSE IT’S NOT BEING PUBLICIZED ON TV!!!!!!!!

 

 

So since it’s coming from a media outlet below, maybe now it will make shit more convincing

 

#AutisticLivesMatter 

(PS I can say that because it’s NOT just a white thing like the “harmless” stereotype (like Sheldon Cooper) implies


https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2020-07-11/too-many-autistic-adults-are-denied-basic-rights-in-america?sref=2o0rZsF1