What Will It Take To Be Happy Again?

 Disclaimer:

I don’t write positive posts if that’s not how I’m feeling. If you believe I do nothing on here but “whine about things [I] could probably fix if [I] wasn’t so focused on getting attention” than look elsewhere for a blog where you don’t perceive the writer doing that. Thanks.

Anyway here we go. I have to get this out. Now that I’m starting to write, just like my last post a month and a half ago, I am already forgetting what I want to get out so bare with me. This will be another poem, kinda, sorta.

I’m tired of 2020

I’m tired of the drama.

I’m tired of the emptiness.

I’m tired of not having the same spark from last year and especially the year before.

I’m tired of feeling like I am not allowed to complain about anything because this year is a billion times more shit than it is for me.

I am tired of being proven right all along by my therapist about being done wrong for so many years. I would rather not carry the baggage of years of thinking it was me which I’m still used to thinking.

I am tired of being paranoid and having trust issues.

I am tired of being reminded our country is being threatened to officially become the next Nazi Germany if Trump gets re-elected.

I am tired of COVID-19 deniers.

I am tired of racism deniers and racists in general.

I am tired of 2020 showing all of the real colors of people and how they REALLY feel about certain issues where I want nothing to do with them anymore.

I am tired of Twitter selling out and slowly turning into Facebook 2.0.

I am tired of mentally thinking I’m still living in the previous decade up until 2018.

I am tired of being taken back even further in time when evil child molester supporters in the #StandWithSophie case say shit to the girl like “Adults know what’s best”, “You don’t have a choice”, “If you really felt bad about yourself you wouldn’t have gotten the lead in the school play…” and other manipulative phrases that sound way too familiar.

I am tired of having a lack of excitement for major accomplishments I have.

I am tired of forgetting what to write despite that I was thinking about the subject non-stop until I opened up WordPress and then the thought disappeared.

I am tired of still not being confident in myself.

I am tired of believing there are double standards set against me in various aspects of life and society.

I am tired of writers block.

I am tired of not feeling heard even though I finally am actually being heard.

I am tired of feeling threatened by people talking about positivity during the most negative year yet worldwide.

To make a long story short, I am tired of being tired. But when putting everything in a logical perspective, things are a lot better (for me) than they were a few years ago and then some. It’s just a matter of recognizing this. But one of these days, it will be easier to do so. Mentally I am in a better place by comparison to before. Even if I am tired of a handful of things. But seriously. If you aren’t feeling similar and not being affected in one way or another this year, I don’t believe you.