One Year Later...

I started my blog over a year ago now.

Then:

Two days after I published my very first post, I was dragged over to the Emergency Room for a panic attack I was having in the middle of the night. My idea back then was that everything I was struggling with, that I was the only one and nobody else could relate.

Now:

Obviously I know now a year later with everything that has happened with me and my Twitter #mentalhealth community, that the above statement is far from true.

Then:
My psychiatrist was my only outlet for venting my frustrations to an actual person. If she was willing to listen to me, that was good enough for me at that time.

Now:
It wasn’t until months later that I finally met an amazing therapist who not only listens to me, but validates everything I have struggled with and encourages me in a non-condescending way to recognize all of the huge qualities I have as a person that many people see in me but I don’t.

Then:
I saw all social media as being nothing but an obnoxious popularity contest with cyberbullies and shallowness.

Now:
Social media is my outlet, platform, voice for change and second family. From the #mentalhealth community, the #MHCrisisAngels and #TheResistance .

Then:
Whenever I would write a new blog post, the people I would talk to for feedback would tell me my tone is too off putting and negative.

Now:
Whenever someone in my community reads a new blog post I publish, I get tons of positive feedback and many people say they can relate to what I express. One twitter friend even said my authenticity is an inspiration for her. Can’t see any authority figure in my neck of the woods ever saying this. Hell no.

Then:
I regretted many things that led me up to the vulnerable point I was in a year ago, and blamed myself for it like the people in my past life probably would have wanted me to do forever because “I am blaming everyone else for my problems” and everything that comes out of my mouth is “The System this and The System that”

Now:
Everyone I know in the mental health community, and especially my therapist can officially confirm the real truth. That the statement above and especially those quotes are 200 percent bullshit.

Then:
I felt stuck with my life and was convinced I had no choice but to suck it up, put a mask on and work in the most demeaning and demoralizing jobs so I can move out.

Now:
I have finally been approved for Social Security Disability Benefits and will be moving with my family sometime later this year to a much bigger house for rent which I will help contribute to and will have a huge section of the house to myself with no need for obnoxious, controlling (inevitable) roommates.

Then:
Everything sucked and I could finally see it that way because I wasn’t numb anymore.

Now:
I am certainly not numb now, probably even less than before. And truth be told…things are finally looking up, as they should be.

So yeah, out of the whole 2010s decade, the second half of 2018 and the now current 2019 have started a new chapter for me into the next 10 years. The decade to make up for lost time. Because everything in my past life that caused my depression to take over and erase my 20s, was…
Not…
My…
Fault.
I am a good person.

True story.