There is something that has been bugging me for a good part of this
year so far. Actually scratch that. It’s been the better part of my
whole life, but I say this year because of me now being more self aware
than ever before. This is my association with the word “positive”. If
you have been one of the first people to follow my blog you probably
recall a very early post I must have done at least a year ago by now,
called “Feeling Positive Vs. Thinking Positive”. My overall belief is
that if you feel positive it’s because it’s genuine and you are doing it
on your own account. It’s a natural feeling you’re having. Not from
somebody telling you to “think positive” because it is “good for you”,
which in many cases, like many mental health advocates I know say on
Twitter, just makes the negativity increase, not decrease. The “smile”
culture is another thing that bothers and has always bothered me. But
the whole fake “positivity” and “smiley”, happy stuff has never been
more irritating to me than it is now. Why? Because I now know it’s all
bullshit and am not around people anymore telling me I’m wrong or that
I’m the problem, not the other way around. Another reason though is I do
believe genuine positivity is something I feel very strongly about and
me and the Mental Health Crisis Angels everyday try to spread that as
far as we can.
But psychologically I have a very hard time
distinguishing the real from the fake simply because of phrases and
words associated with things I myself and the people I work with use,
but use in the helpful, correct way. The most obvious being the word
“positive” but also words like “happiness”, “smile”, “sunshine”, and
phrases like “if you catch yourself in the past, let it go”. Even when I
am putting together mixes on Mixcloud for other people to brighten
their day, I once included the Vitamin C song “Smile” where the chorus
goes “put a smile on your face and make the world a better place”.
Whichever of those mixes that song was on, while I did put it together, I
never listen to it myself because I have always found that kind of
stuff very condescending and obnoxious. Like putting someone down for
not being happy. For shaming somebody for “bringing everyone down”. In
fact, one time when I was at a job on my first (and last) day that was
provided to me through one of those placement services a couple years
ago, I heard Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” playing on their
hospital storage area playlist. The phrase “don’t bring everyone down”
is actually IN that song. I won’t say that was THE reason I had so much
trouble on that first day and couldn’t come back again, but I will be
honest. It was one of the reasons out of many. This kind of stuff is
toxic to me.
BUT…
I hate the fact that I can’t emotionally separate the superficial,
toxic version of “positive” from the actual meaning of that word, which I
promote everyday and try to bring into people’s lives with my team. I
know logically there is a difference but when I hear or read words that
don’t mean to be superficial but bring me back to that dark, superficial
past life because they are similar words or the same words, I am quick
to mentally spiral into an angry tirade where voices tell me “You’re a
sellout” or “You’re getting too comfortable” or “You’re forgetting what
you stand for” or…
“You are the becoming the problem with this world that you used to
hate. The problem of people being too happy-go-lucky to where they
ignore all of the increasing problems in the world that have been
getting worse day after day since Trump was illegally elected into
office. Change doesn’t happen with a smile. Smiles are ignorant and
ignorance is bliss”
That one was very wordy but you get the idea.
I know those statements about me are not true. To be honest, I guess a
lot of this comes from wanting to make up for all of the times I had to
hold everything in and mask to please other people and get ahead, which
of course resulted with me going backwards at the end of the day and
needing to change course with my life completely after, which is why I
am doing what I do now and feel so much better and more like the real
me. Which just proves my point that masking is mental poison and
accomplishes nothing except killing your own spirit.
It’s all part of the continuing healing journey. Being able to know
the differences between the fakeness from the past vs the purity of
today right then and there with no second guessing is easier said than
done. But I can and I will get it done. Because if I don’t, the toxic
influences of the past win. And they will not win.
No comments:
Post a Comment